Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Our Sweet Victoria Grace

For those of you who have met our little Tori Grace, you may know that she is a handful. She is always going (and going and going) and into everything. She is full of smiles and giggles and has brought great joy to our family. To write this is necessary for me. It is in my heart and that heart hurts so very much right now. Well, on Wednesday, I ended up having to take her to the emergency room because she was having such a hard time breathing. We have a nebulizer at home, but the medicine cup was lost and it was useless. At the hospital we received a new one and after various tests, 3 breathing treatments and two doses of some steroids, we were on our way home. She had a follow up visit with her wonderful pediatrician on Thursday and then again on Friday and by then was doing much better. We continued to give her breathing treatments and other meds at home and felt she was doing great.


Sunday morning was a busy and hectic time. Tori was being her normal sweet self, busy and into everything. We have afternoon church and Sean had worked the night before and was sleeping, so as Tori was very ready for her nap, I left her asleep next to her daddy. When we came home from church, Sean was sitting on the side of the bed with a freshly bathed Tori who was just laying in her arms. She had started throwing up and having diarreha. Sean had to work, so I spent the evening up in our room holding her and cleaning her up. The kids and Grammy came in to watch a movie with us and Tori just laid there. She was really listless and was breathing rapidly. I debated about taking her back to the ER, but decided to put up the port-a-crib in my room near my bed and ended up getting up with her through the night changing diapers, trying to get her to take water, and then cleaning up the throw-up. She rested on and off, as did I. Nora came in my room just before 1 am with diarrehe issues and I helped her clean up and climb into bed. I contiuned getting up with Tori and then at 5:30, Nora came back in with another accident. Tori was breathing and seemingly resting a little better.

At 6:30, Sean got home and as he was preparing to lay down, Nora came in a third time. I got up and check Tori before going to help Nora, but at that point, she was no longer breathing. She was still very warm and flexible, but she wasn't responding. Sean grabbed her up and immediately started CPR and I called 911. He threw off her jammies and continued the cpr as he raced her down stairs to be right there with the ambulance. My mom and dad were up at that point and they held Nora as I flipped out and Sean practically threw her at the paramedics as they came in the door. They did all they could and rushed off to the hospital, but there was just nothing that anyone could do. Her heart wouldn't start again.

As I look back on these last couple of days, I find great strength in the knowledge that I have been give of families. I know that I will see my Notorious again and that after the resurrection, We will be able to finish raising her, that we will be together, all of us as a family, forever. I am so grateful for the time we had with her. She was our ball of sunshine and our "E" that eats everything. She was learning so much and into so many things.

We have felt the outpouring of love from family and friends near and far. Our home is filled with hope and peace that Sean and I so desperately have needed. The children are doing well. They don't stay down long and bring us great comfort. Many have offered to take them, but we have needed them here close to us. And they know that we are right here if they need us. They have there moments of sadness, and we can be there to hold them. We want them to know that we love them and want them. I was afraid of giving off a different message if I sent them to friends houses, like I was sending them away. I think they need us now as much as we need them.

For now we don't have answers to why she died, but we know that she is with our loving Savior right now, holding his hand with those fat little fingers, tickling her own tummy, and looking for some food to eat. We love her dearly and miss her with all our hearts, but we will be with her again. I know.

18 comments:

Amber said...

My heart is breaking for you Amy! I have no words. Just know that I am sure all that little girl knew in this life was love and she was blessed beyond words to have you as a mother. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Amy Ray said...

Amy and Sean,
i am so sorry. I don't know what else to say. You are in my hearts and prayers and I look forward to the day when you will see your precious daughter again. Hold your family close to you during this time and lean on God for strength.
I am sending all my hugs and love through this email.

Rachel said...

My name is Rachel, and I am a friend of Ambers. After sobbing through your story, I must say that your strength through this is amazing. My heart physically hurts for your family. Keep your faith in God, your faith in your family, and of course, faith in yourself. Although I do not know you, I will be sending many prayers, and positive thoughts all the way from Boise, Idaho. Much love to you, and your family. You will see your baby again someday. That is for sure.

Kirsten Danley said...

Amy, my heart aches for you and Sean, and your children. It's important that you are together, comforting and supporting each other at this time. I wish that I could have known your sweet little Victoria. I know you will cherish the joy and memories she brought to your lives.

Steve Benelli said...

Sean and Amy,
Just as you were blessed by Tori's presence, she was blessed by yours. Though she did not live long; she lived well, surrounded by a loving family. You will all be together again forever. That is the greatest blessing of all.

Heather said...

I love you all...you're in my thoughts and prayers. So sorry for your heartache.

Cat said...

Amy, all I can say is I am so sorry.
We will be thinking about you and Sean and praying for your family.

Carrie said...

I'm Catherine's sister Carrie. I'm sure you don't remember me very well, but Catherine just told me about your precious little girl and I just wanted you and Sean to know that my family is thinking of yours. My heart aches for you and I am strengthened by you all at the same time. Please know that you all are continually in our hearts and prayers.

Amy and Chaos said...

Thanks to each of you for your loving comments. So many have hugged me and whispered "I just don't know what to say!" and my only response is: "There really isn't much. It's the love that I feel from you that is the most help of all." And I feel that love through your thoughts and comments. Thank you again for loving us and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. They are so needed at this time.

Debbie and Boys said...

Amy and Sean,
Maybe you remember me, I played the piano at your wedding. I read your blog after Amber emailed me. I cried for you today. "I'm so sorry" doesn't seem enough. You will be in my prayers often.
The thing is, just last week I saw your family picture on facebook last week and I clicked on it and examined it for awhile and thought how beautiful your family is, and how lucky you were to have such beautiful daughters, especially. Maybe somehow, I like to think, that the Lord was guiding me to have you in my thoughts then, because that is when Tori was sick. I know the Lord knows our needs, and guides others thoughts and prayers when needed without us knowing of it. You are cared for from above.
With much sorrow and love,
Debbie Youngberg Thompson

Dannenbergs said...

We are so sorry for your loss. What comfort the resurrection can be at this time. We are thinking of you and your family. You are in our prayers.
Pat and Susan

Kristel Shields said...

You don't know me, my name is Kristel Shields. I am the sister-in-law to James and Cari Shields. I just wanted you to know that our prayers are with you and your family. I'm glad that Cari could be with you at this time. Cari has gone though so much with the lose of Luke. She is very strong in the gospel and I'm sure that she is a great comfort to you. What would we do without the gospel in our lives. Please know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers.

military mama said...

I am Jenn, one of Cari's friends in Ohio. I was really strengthened by your testimony and unshakeable faith. We are praying for you and your family during this difficult time. What a blessing to know that she is in our loving Heavenly Father's arms.

Lilola said...

I am one of Cari's friends in Ohio. I am so sorry for the trial that you and your family are going through. I don't know how prayer strengthens, but I know that it does. You are in mine. God bless you.

... said...

You don't know us, we're friends of James & Cari. Our hears are sad and full of prayers for you and your loss. Such a sweet little angel, in all her business, I'm sure Luke is keeping a close eye on her for you! Our hearts and prayers are with you and your loved ones at this time. Keep them close and tell them always how much you love them. Tanner & Valerie Potterf

Jodi's Ramblings said...

I love you and miss you already.

Rich and Lacee said...

You don't know us. We were neighbors to James & Cari in AZ. We are so sad to hear of your loss of sweet, little Tori! I sent two little angels home three years ago and understand the pain you are feeling. You and your family are most definitely in our thoughts and prayers! We pray for your strength and your comfort. Whatever it is that Tori had to go home for must be SO, SO, SO important in the grand scheme of things and YOU and YOUR FAMILY get to be apart of it! You were chosen to be her mother and are very much a part of what great things are happening on the other side. It will be a great and glorious day when we get our sweet babies back and get to see what our sacrifices here allowed to happen on the other side. I am strengthened today to hear your sweet, strong testimony!! Cari was and is such a strength to me and I am so happy she is there for you! You'll be in our thoughts and prayers!!!! Rich & Lacee Herbert

Lindsay said...

I am so sorry for your loss! You don't know me, I stumbled across your blog and was touched by your story. I know the sorrow you are feeling and I widh I could be there to give you a big hug. Take comfort in knowing your sweet baby is with a loving heavenly father.

On a side note, There is a blog I have come to love. adailyscoop.blogspot.com. Stephanie Waite lost her sweet baby girl last year in a tragic drowing accident and she uses her blod to help other mothers (anyone, really) who has lost someone. You should check it out.